Д Area: Intra-atheist Education/Discussion ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД
Msg#: 32 Date: 10-05-96 04:15
From: Nyuk Nyuk! Read: Yes Replied: No
To: All Mark:
Subj: The Bethlehem Bastard!!!
ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД
T H E B E T H L E H E M B A S T A R D

by K.J.

IN OR ABOUT THE YEAR FOUR B.C., an illegitimate bastard was born to a wanton
slut in a manger inside a stable outside a beer hall in Bethlehem. That
this "Bastard", later baptised "Jesus", would grow up to be a great fraud,
was no surprise. During his birth there were angels hovering about, holy
music coming from heaven, a herd of cows sitting around praising the mother
in Hebrew, and three wise men making their way to the stable through a
snowstorm in a desert, following a moving star in the blizzardy, overcast
sky. This newborn baby, upon sucking its first few drops of holy milk,
ceased long enough to cry, "mama". Whereupon, Mary corrected the infinite
infant, saying, "Not 'mama', dear sweet stupid Jesus. Say 'Ave Maria,
Ave Maria'!"

Joseph, the husband of this holy harlot, was very surprised. He had
known her for some time now, and though HE had forgiven her for losing her
virginity after a night in the red wine, the common folk of the Bethlehem
neighborhood had always referred to her as "Mary the Whore". Why she
would ask her bastard to hail her was beyond Joseph. Sure, he reasoned,
he had had a dream one night, after smoking some grass, wherein some spook
appeared to him, telling him that the culprit who had undone Mary was
none other than one of God's henchmen, but still he knew he couldn't
believe in ghosts. Mary knew who the real father of the bastard was, but
wouldn't tell, insisting it was "The Holy Ghost". So he inquired of the
angels there at the mangerside, and they assured Joseph that Mary was
correct.

"On guard, you fiends," Joseph raged, "which of you fuckers is this
'Holy Ghost'?"

At that moment, "God opened up the mouth of the ass," and it spake unto
Joseph: "Listen buddy, there's no law in God's book against incest, and
when those angels got to do it, well, they just got to do it. There aren't
any pretty women angels up in heaven, and some of us do not go in for the
popular pastimes." Joseph, upon hearing his ass speak, kicked himself
in the ass, and forgave the angels with the warning, "I'll let you go THIS
time, but nevermore..."

Thus we find our Jesus growing up in a broken home, susceptible to the
influence of each, and eventually inspiring the song, with lyrics, "If I
were a carpenter, and you were a lady..."

* - * - * - * - * - * - * - *

AT THE AGE OF THIRTY, we find our Jesus going around with a dozen
followers, trying to make everyone believe he is the son of God. Not
even Mary or God believed this to be true, as has been noted. That
didn't stop Jesus, though: he was getting more and more conceited with
every miracle.

He was still a virgin (unlike his mama) at age 30, and this was no one's
fault but his own... he was constantly playing 'hard to get'. One night,
though, after lying with his fairy-followers, he left them to get
tempted by the Devil. Strangely, Jesus was an illiterate as well as
an illegitimate bastard, for he believed that age-old ruse to entice
someone, by promising to "shew all the kingdoms of the world" to him
"from the top of an exceedingly high mountain". Old Father Holy Ghost
was too busy to tell Jesus that the world was round, not flat, so before
Jesus knew it he had spent a whole night with this stranger in a cave.
The weird Devil didn't think Jesus was too hot, however, and so he
dumped him in preference to some hairy imp.

But Jesus took this as a good sign. As soon as he had brought a
rotting corpse back to life, he decided to really let it all hang out.
He finally lost his mind and screamed out a bunch of gibberish from the
side of a mountain, hoping, just hoping... Well, it was the noon
lunchbreak when people were off-work, and since they weren't too bright
back then, this was the turning point of Jesus' career: they gave him
money.

NOW JESUS THOUGHT HE REALLY HAD IT made. He was so conceited he wanted
real POWER. He wanted to be king of the Jews, ruling in Caesar's place,
affirming, "Render unto God (he moved himself up one step) the things
that are God's, but merely render Caesar." He then attempted to stage
a midnight _putsch_ from his beer-hall Palestine Liberation Headquarters,
but an informant named Judas had him captured and crucified.

Now the capture of Jesus was on this wise. When as a detachment of
Roman soldiers had pursued him throughout the Judean Hills, and had him
cornered at the Sea of Galilee, Jesus, in the attempt to evade capture,
began fleeing across the surface of the water. He had not gone more than
a few feet, however, when he tripped on a six-inch crest and smashed
his butt. Upon falling, he swallowed several mouthfuls of water, becoming
grossly intoxicated. Being in a condition neither to run nor fight, he
submitted and was taken by the Roman soldiers back to Jerusalem for the
most fitting crucifixion in history, all the while meekly chanting, "My
God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me, you slouch?!"

The wise Judas was promptly rewarded with thirty pieces of silver, which
was pleasing unto him, as he had never thought Jesus would be worth more
than two cents.

Luckily, Jesus was half-ghost, for when he "gave up the ghost" he was
able later to re-enter his body, leap over the boulder, sail into the
beer hall where his friends gave him a last supper, and then zip back up
to heaven just in time for breakfast, where an angry and slighted God
sent him straight to hell, to visit with Plato and Aristotle.

After this experience, Mary swore off vice, entered an asylum in
Bethlehem, and spent the rest of her life weaving Jewish collection
baskets.

T H E E N D

* - * - * - * - * - * - *
"There is no God, and Jesus is a fraud!
Kill Jesus before Jesus kills you!"

-published by-

THE KILL CLUB
World Headquarters in Colorado

This sacred text may be freely distributed as long as it is used as a spear
in Jesus' side! NO alterations or we will kill you and eat your face!

-!- GEcho 1.20/Pro
! Origin: * DYNAMITE * Rocks the Rockies! * (303)287-2281* (21:69/216)