From: nurev 
To: CTRL@LISTSERV.AOL.COM 
Subject:      [CTRL] Another busted myth.* Only the good die young.*
Date: Thursday, January 21, 1999 7:41 PM

 -Caveat Lector-

     WASHINGTON, DC--After decades of waiting, the much-anticipated
mass Baby Boomer die-off
should finally commence within the next five to ten years, Census
Bureau officials said Monday.

      "I am pleased to announce that it won't be much longer now,"
Census Bureau deputy director
Arthur Clausewitz said at a press conference. "According to our
statistics, by 2009, we should see the
Baby Boomers start to die off in large numbers. Heart attacks,
strokes, cancer, kidney failure--you
name it, the Boomers are going to be dropping from it."

      Clausewitz said the Great Boomer Die-Off should hit full stride
in approximately 2015, when the
oldest members of the Baby Boom generation--born during the last days
of World War II--turn 70.

      "Before long, tens of millions of members of this irritating
generation will achieve what such
Boomer icons as Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Timothy Leary and John
Kennedy already have: death.
Before long, we will live in a glorious new world in which no one will
ever again have to endure tales of
Joan Baez's performance at Woodstock."

      Despite his enthusiasm, Clausewitz cautioned that the Great
Boomer Die-Off will not be without its
downside.

      "Our nation must steel itself for one vast, final orgy of Boomer
self-obsession as we are hit with a
bewildering onslaught of magazine pictorials, hardcover coffee-table
books and multi-part,
Motown-soundtracked television specials looking back on the glory days
of the 1960s," Clausewitz said.
"But once this great, final spasm of nostalgia passes, the ravages of
age will take its toll on boomer
self-indulgence, and the curtain will at long last fall on what is
regarded by many as the most odious
generation America has ever produced."

      Clausewitz also noted that the cost of caring for the elderly
and infirm of the nation's largest
demographic group will be enormous.

      "The selfishness that has been a hallmark of the Boomers will
continue right up to the very end, as
they force millions of younger Americans to devote an inordinate
amount of time and resources to their
care, bankrupting the Social Security system in the process,"
Clausewitz said. "In their old age, the
Boomers will actually manage to take as much from the next generation
as they did the previous one,
which fought WWII so that their Boomer children could have Philco TVs
and Davy Crockett air rifles."

      The Great Boomer Die-Off will have its greatest impact, experts
say, in the economic sector. The
funeral industry is expected to enjoy a $700 million surge in profits,
a result of the inevitable onslaught
of lavish, Big Chill-themed memorial services. Many industries,
however, will likely suffer from the
die-off, including the manufacturers of sport-utility vehicles, home
jacuzzis and hair-replacement
systems. The financial sector will also feel the hit, as it is forced
to fill some 400,000 high-paying
stockbroker and corporate-banking jobs, held for decades by
ex-hippies.

      "It's not exactly clear how, but for the past 40 years, this
generation has managed to keep the
spotlight on itself," Brown University history professor A. Thomas
Raymond said. "The era-defining
flower children of the '60s, hedonistic disco-goers of the '70s,
BMW-driving yuppies of the '80s and
graying private-investor homeowner parents of the '90s all have one
thing in common: They're all
Boomers."

      "It takes a staggering amount of effort to keep oneself the
focus of an entire society for one
decade, much less four, but the Boomers somehow pulled it off,"
Raymond continued. "Thankfully,
though, their reign will soon come to an end. It's just too bad so few
of them died before they got old."

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