Subject: Humour: Charge of the Gawddess

From my BOS to yours.  Enjoy the humour!
--Kethera
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                         CHARGE OF THE GAWDDESS
             as requested bah that vile heathen, Dahk-stah
                    also known as Brothah Jimmy Bolick
                      who incorriged th' incorrigible
                        that wanton wench huh'self
                                Hah-patia
        to wraht this here Charge in huh best Suthun-Baptist
                        flamin' fundamentalist style
            so's that Ellen Reed would have sumthin' t'give
                     huh obnoxious & arry-gant neighbuh
                   sumthin' t'think about th' next tahm he
                 tried t'save huh evuh-lovin' heathen soul!
                           PRAISE DAH-ANNA!!!


Praise GAWDDESS!  Listen to th' words of the Great Mothah, Ah say th'
ONE GREAT MAMA OF THEM ALL, this MOTHAH who was of OLD called amongst
men Ah-sis, Arty-muss, As-Tarty, Dione Warwick, Melly-sine, Afro-dee-tay,
Diana Ross, Aryan-Rod, an' bah many othuh, Ah tell yew, brothahs an' sistahs,
MANY othah names!

Ah say to yew, Ah tell yew straight from mah evuh-lovin' Pagan heart,
whenevuh yew have need of anythin' once in th' month, but better it be
when th' Moon is filled up or new, then SHAY-ULL ye assemble in some 
SECRET place, an' thou SHALT adore me, Queen of All Witcheries.  An' 
there SHAY-ULL ye assemble, Oh mah brothahs an' sistahs of th' Pagan 
path, ye who ain't yet won mahdeepest secrets an' who want to learn awll 
Mah magick tricks, PRAISE DAH-ANNA!!!  

Tothese shay-ull Ah teach that which yew ain't discovered yet.  Yew SHAY-ULL be
free from awll slavery, an' as a SAGHN, a holy SAGHN from th' GAWDDESS
herself, ye shay-ull be NAKED in your rites, yew shay-ull CAST OFF THOSE
clothes which are an ABOMINATION to th' GAWDDESS, for SHE SHAY-ULL NOT
BE MOCKED, an' She SHAY-ULL KNOW whether thou hidest behahnd a loincloth
or not!  She shay-ull KNOW if yew hidest behahnd your Maidenforms or not! 
Yew SHAY-ULL sing, feast, make music, love, slam-dance in th' mosh pit, an'
crank up thy electric guitar to top decibel, for th' Lady thy GAWDDESS thus
DECREES it, for Ah WANT YEW TO HAVE A GOOD TAHM!!!  Yew shay-ull do these thangs
AWLL in Mah presence, for MINE is th' ecstasy of th' spirit, an' MINE is also
JOY upon earth, BLESSED BE!!!  PRAISE DAH-ANNA!!!

(Various cries of "PRAISE DAH-ANNA!" from the audience and a few
scattered "So mote it be's" as some audience members, overcome with
emotion, fall down and draw down the moon)

Ah SAY to yew, awll ye PAGANS an' WITCHES an' MYSTICS an' OCCULTISTS an'
NEW AGERS an' TRANCE CHANNELERS an' ALIEN ABDUCTEES an' CRYSTAL HEALERS
an' HERBALISTS an' ELVIS INCARNATORS, mah LAW is LOVE unto awll BEIN'S! 
(An' that includes those really ugly creepy-crawly six-legged bug-eyed
thingamajigs that crawl out of yer air mattress an' tent when yew pull
them out of th' attic every spring!) 

MINE is th' SECRET that opens up th' ever-lovin'
DOOR OF YOUTH, an' MINE is th' CUP of th' WAHN of LAHF, th' CAULDRON of
Carry-dwin, which Ah tell yew is th' HOLY GRAIL of IMMORTALITY!  Ah am
th' Gracious Gawddess who hath given th' gift of youth unto th' heart of awll
mankind, an' yew won't even have to buy that expensive Oil of Olay stuff to attain
it!  Ah give KNOWLEDGE of th' SPIRIT ETERNAL, an' beyond DEATH, ah give
peace & freedom & reunion with those who have gone before, an' Ah do tell yew,
in DEATH, Ah shay-ull even give yew a reliable postal service that delivers
th' mail on tahm an' supermarkets where yew shay-ull NOT have to stand on
LAHN!!! Nor do Ah demand aught of sacrifice, for beHOLD, Ah am th' MOTHAH of
AWLL BEIN'S, an' mah LOVE is poured out upon th' EARTH!

Ah say, rahs UP, awll yew Pagans, an' HEAR ye th' words of th' Star
Gawddess, She, in th' DUST of whose feet are th' HOSTS of HEAVEN, whose body
encircles this here Universe!

Ah am th' BEAUTY of th' GREEN EARTH, an' th' WHAHT MOON among th' stars
an' the mystery of th' WATERS.  Ah CALL unto your soul, brothahs an'
sistahs of th' Craft!  Ah call, Arise an' come UNTO me.  For Ah am th' SOUL OF
NATURE who gives LAHF to this here UNIVERSE, for from Me AWLL things
proceed an' unto Me awll things RETURN!  Let me repeat that once more, brothahs an'
sistahs, so there be NO MISTAKE what Ah mean!  Yew awll come from th' Gawdess,
an' to Me Yew shay-ull return!

Beloved of awll th' gawds an' men, let MAH worship be in your heart. 
Rejoice, Craft brethren, for beHOLD, awll acts of love an' pleasure are
mah rituals, which means GO FORTH AN' GET LAID!!!  Ah don't care HOW yew do
it, whethah yew do it with yo' WIFE or WIVES, or yo' HUSBAND or HUSBANDS, or
your BOYFRIENDS or GIRLFRIENDS, or whethah yew favuh yo' OWN GENDAH or not,
Ah DO NOT CARE how yew do it, Ah do not even care if yew do it with yo' eggbeatah
or blendah, awll Ah ask is that yew BE RESPONSIBLE an' not hurt anyone in
th' rocess, and don't foh-get to wrap yo' willie, for DO WHAT THOU WILT
shay-ull be th' whole of th' law, an' those who DO NOT KEEP MAH LAW shay-ull be
REINCARNATED until they get it RAGHT!!!  

Therefore, let there be BEAUTY an' STRENGTH -- POWER an' COMPASSION -- HONAH 
an' HUMILITY--MIRTH an' REV'RUNCE within yew.  An' yew
who think to seek me, know that your seekin' an' yearnin' will NOT AVAIL
YEW, unless yew KNOW TH' MYSTERY, that if THAT WHICH YEW SEEK yew fahnd
not within yo'self, yew will NEVAH fahnd it WITHOUT!  For beHOLD, Ah have
been with yew from th' BEGINNIN', an' Ah am THAT which is attained at th' END OF
TH' DESIRE! SO MOTE IT BE!!!

Praise the Lord...and the Lady!

Hypatia
hypatia@excalibur.org