In recent years, the climate has become increasingly open as regards
discussion of sex and sexual problems. Still, the subject is
a sensitive one for many people who were raised in more repressive
times or circumstances. Sex education La the schools, while widely
accepted, is still controversial. Many people seem to feel that
if we ignore sex, it will go away; even though years have passed
since Freud pointed out that the roots of many neuroses and other
problems lie in sexual repression. This extremely powerful drive
in all human beings must be understood it we are to understand
ourselves, Further, a person who is not satisfied in the sexual
aspects of his life, is not a fully-functioning person. in some
rare cases a person may attain the ability to channel his sexual
energies into the higher center-s and thus achieve realization.
For most of us, however, satisfaction requires a pleasurable
sexual relationship with another person.
Even more common, however, are the emotional 'hang-ups' due to
feelings of guilt, or embarrassment. People who were taught in
childhood that sex is 'dirty' or 'bad' or 'something to avoid'
may unconsciously carry these teachings even though consciously
they have adopted more open and realistic beliefs. Sometimes
an otherwise happy marriage is marred by guilt of one party over
past sexual experiences that he or she is afraid to admit. Other
people deny themselves sexual pleasure through unexamined prejudices
about what is 'normal' and labeling certain practices as 'perversions'.
Another area of sexual problems between two persons stems not
so much from ignorance or negative feelings about sex, but from
problems in the relationship itself, 'games' the partners are
playing, lack]C of communication, roles they have adopted. Even
finance, health, job, and children problems show up in the sexual
relationship, and the effects go the other way, too.
There is one more point that is important to remember. A lot
of people who have sex problems will be too inhibited to admit
them at first. Sometimes you will suspect they are hiding a sex
problem behind what-ever they are claiming to be the problem.
This will require a lot of sensitivity on your part to know whether
to suggest that there might be a sex or a sexual aspect to their
other problems; or to wait for them to bring the problem out themselves.
Following are some books you could recommend to clients who need
more thorough information about sex. Or you could use them to
answer specific questions the client may have on his sexual nature.
1.For young people, LOVE AND SEX IN PLAIN LANGUAGE, by Eric W.
Johnson, widely used in sex education classes, is recommended,
at least as a beginning. Some sexually sophisticated teenagers,
of course, will be looking for more advanced material. Remember
that information is not the same as encouragement. If they cannot
find accurate answers to their questions, they will g@ ahead with
inaccurate answers. Thus, it will usually be best not to withhold
information, but to combine the factual information with counseling
on when and how the information should be put into practice.
2. Often parents may want help with explaining sexual matters
to children. What do we tell them when? Most authorities I found
agreed that rather than hold down and give him a complicated explanation
about 'the birds and bees', the parents should answer his natural
questions as they come up, accurately and using the correct terms.
Do not go into all the details, which would only confuse the
child, but be sure he is satisfied with the answer and that it
doesn't give him any erroneous ideas about 'storks' or 'buying
a little brother or sister at the department store'.
3. For many people, particularly those who are not very sophisticated
about sex, EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX, by
David Rube, M.D., can be quite informative. Some authorities
disagree with a few of his statements and others consider him
somewhat prudish. (His comments about homosexuals are particularly
offensive.) Still, he is much more liberal than most of his readers,
and to
some people even these ideas will be quite shocking. (Since this
book was written in 1969, some of the information, for example
regarding abortion laws, is inaccurate.)
4. A much more explicit book, written for the sexually sophisticated
who have few hang-ups and want to do whatever they can to achieve
the ultimate in sexual pleasure, is THE JOY OF SEX by Alex Comfort.
Since there are many illustrations of unusual positions and techniques,
this is not recommended for people who are very offended or easily
shocked; but I really believe every Soul Clinic counselor should
read it and be familiar with the information and viewpoints.
This is not a book that encourages indiscriminate sex, but encourages
sex with love, and in fact, is only really useful to couples with
a strong relationship who care enough to bother doing everything
they can for the other person's enjoyment. The book does, however,
lack any really good advice for serious sexual problems and is
written mainly for people who already have it good want to make
it better.
5. One book I found with some unique information that could be
the best available for the two very common problems of lack of
orgasm in the woman and ;)premature ejaculation in the man, is
called THE KEY TO FEMININE IN MARRIAGE by Donald M. Deutsch (1968,
Random House, New York). When these problems are physical rather
than emotional in origin, the exercises in this book can be very
valuable. also the information about female physiology can be
useful in itself - in fact, this is the only book on sex that
really told me anything I didn't already know that was actually
helpful. These exercises originally were designed to strengthen
the vaginal muscles for easier childbirth and after childbirth.
Then their impotence in sexual satisfaction was recognized.
Of course, they will not work in every case. but are extremely
simple, take very little time, and are certainly worth a try.
1. Often the most helpful thing you can do for a person is to
encourage him to talk "about his feelings about sex. The
more accepting and non-judgmental you can be, the more he is likely
to get out in the open. Don't, for example, try to convince him
that he 'shouldn't' feel guilty as this will only add another
'guilt' without removing the first one. In fact, the greater
openness about sex today makes many people hide their guilt feelings
or try to repress them in an attempt to be 'with it'. When a
person is able to talk about these feelings, admit them openly,
and try to discover the source, then he can move beyond them rather
than just pre-tending to be beyond them.
2. Transactional Analysis can be very helpful in this area by
helping a person to see that most of his sex hang-ups are prejudices
recorded in the Parent that are contaminating his Adult ability
to function. In I'M OK;
YOU'RE OK Thomas Harris points out that the way to eliminate prejudices
is to realize that it is no longer dangerous to disagree with
one's parents (pg. 124). There is also some information in BORN
TO WIN about the effects of sexual repression on the Adopted Child
and on re-leasing the Natural Child (pg. 176). The questions
and experiments on pages 186 and 187 are especially useful for
these problems.
3. Overcoming inhibitions is only one step in raising one's
sexual consciousness. In Chapter 17, 'How to Increase Your Enjoyment
of Sex', of the HANDBOOK TO HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS. Ken Keyes outlines
how sex may be experienced at the various levels. On the level
of sensation, a person remains attached to his anticipation of
the ultimate sensation or climax. This habit of anticipating
this future keeps us from enjoying each moment of the experience
in the Here and Now. Thus, addictions to certain sensations must
be overcome as well as inhibitions. He also stresses that the
relationship of subject-object on the lower levels, prevents us
from drowning in oneness and love. Keyes even suggests that a
person who is very addicted to sexual sensations should give them
up for a certain period of time in order to better tune in to
his partner as a whole being rather than a source of sensation.
The more 'impossible' such a course sounds to a person, the more
proof he has of his addiction.
4. Another problem, not so much addiction to sensations or guilt
may be involved) is that some bodies at all, sexually or otherwise.
se during the act, their attention else either in the past or
future. Gestalt exercises aimed at aware in the Here and Now
can be explained in the book GESTALT THERAPY, which I suggested
earlier but will contains much in theory, I would recommend AWARENESS:
EXPLORING, EXPERIMENTING, EXPERIENCING by John 0. Stevens (1971;
Real People Press, Box F, Moab, utah 87532), which contains over
a hundred Gestalt exercises for use alone or in groups. I strongly
recommend that you at least read this book and work through some
of the experiments as they will be referred to often in later
lessons.
5. Many Oriental religions, particularly the Tantric form
of Yoga (the yoga of the nervous system) use sex as a pathway
to enlightenment. The goal is that the two partners become so
totally tuned in to each other that their separate egos, or individual
consciousness, merge into one. Once a person realizes this oneness
with another being, he also realizes his individual ego is a limitation
rather than something to cling to, and further realizes his oneness
with all beings who share in the same consciousness. For those
who are interested in this level of sex, the book MONDAY NIGHT
CLASS by Stephen has some useful suggestions. Primarily, this
involves approaching sex as a form of mediation, possibly meditating
together as a prelude, taking time to remove all tension from
each others bodies by deep massage, the woman in a position where
she controls the movements, all movements very slow, the peace
of completely focusing the attention on all points of contact
between the two bodies, on the Here and Now, taking long enough
for the two nervous systems to merge before climax, and in some
cases the practice of karessa, where the man does not ejaculate
but gets what may be described as a 'contact high' from his partner's
orgasm.
6. Of course, the Judeo-Christian religious tradition often
encourages just the opposite attitude toward sex. While there
is really nothing in the Bible to back up this attitude, certain
interpretations give that impress-ion. Jesus' only remarks on
the subject, 'For this cause shall a man leave father and mother,
and shall cleave to his wife: and they two, shall be one ... What
therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.'
(Matthew 19:6-7), sound a lot like the tantric ideal of sex as
a spiritual union. Whether or not this applies to a mere legal
marriage in which no true oneness ever occurs is open to interpretation.
But he clearly is referring not to what the State has joined
together, or even the established church, but what GOD has joined
together.
SEX PROBLEMS
BASIC SEX INFORMATION
EMOTIONAL HANG-UPS