SUBSONICK ULTRA-GUT BLOWOUT the unofficial radio ministry of the Rochester Coalition of SubGenius Clenches and 89.7 WITR grudgingly present the Mighty Reverend p r u n e m a n in a rant aired 5/27/92... Dear listeners, it never ceases to amaze me the incredible lengths to which your friend and mine, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, will go to provide us with all the luck we need. Well, I correct myself: that is, the incredible lengths he doesn't have to go because, well HELL! "Bob" wouldn't do it if he had to try, now would he? Case in point: Just yesterday I was here at the station putting this rant together, trying to decide whether or not to trek out to Mickey D's for a bite to eat, when the voice of "Bob" spoke to me. He said, "Thhay why donnthcha go to Michkey D's ta get spsonhthig t eet?" He had had quite a bit to drink that day, and I wasn't about to piss "Bob" off when he was drunk. So I went, for what was probably the two-hundredth time this month. And again "Bob" spoke to me. Granted, he had to repeat himself three times before I finally understood what the hell he was saying, but I got the general impression that he was asking me if I had tried the fettucine alfredo. So I ordered the fettucine, and sat down to eat. Just then, a news photographer wearing a blue USA Today windbreaker shows up at the store with a camera and announces that he's doing a story on the new McDonalds menu, a story that indeed represents the fine, exquisite journalistic sense that we've all grown to expect from such a wondrous news publication as theirs. He introduces himself and hands me a fifty thousand dollar bill in exchange for taking my picture while I dined on Fettucine Alfredo Cheˇz McDonald. Fifty thousand for eating at McDonalds! And, believe me, that fifty grand came in quite handy. Not only did I pay off next year's tuition of college for myself, but I paid off "Bob"'s bar tab as well. The funny part is that "Bob" wasn't telling me to order the fettucine alfredo, he was describing his sexual obsession with the Keebler elves to me. Yes, truth is indeed stranger than fiction. Let me not forget to mention that all this can be yours when you finally get off your butt and send your twenty dollars to "Bob" at Box 140306, Dallas, Texas 75214. And don't forget to mention me, the Mighty Reverend Prune Man, and the Rochester Hour of Slack show when you do. What's more is that once you do, you no longer have to live in fear of obliteration by the horridly stark fist of removal. In fact, the stark fist for our male listeners is no longer one of removal, but comes to serve, well, other vital male-oriented purposes, especially with all the time you'll be spending in your excremeditation chamber. But I will not continue to elaborate, for that is all top secret church information, and we also desire to embrace those family values that Dan Quayle laments as being sadly absent from our society. Which is why I chose to open the Bible as part of this evening's entertainment. Let us turn in our Bibles to Judges 4. Lest I be accused of overly favoring the menfolk in this evening's rant, the subjects for tonight are two women: Deborah, who was a professional prophetess, and Jael, an ancient Hebrew housewife. Before we jump right into the tale of Deborah and Jael, let's review the background of the book of Judges. After Moses had led the Jews into their homeland, they occupied themselves in various ways, mainly by killing and enslaving people from other cultures whenever Ren and Stimpy wasn't on TV. You see, in ancient Israel, believe it or not, the show aired daily. It was based on a book of Hebrew scripture ruled as apocryphal by the early Christian church counsels called "The Whistling of the Lower Cheeks" , and we do thank the Reverend John K. for translating the ancient Hebrew texts into our vernacular. Anyway, in Judges, JHVH-1 was going through a personal crisis at the time, exhibiting signs of manic-depression after Joshua, the successor to Moses, had died of a drug overdose while on the toilet. Whenever JHVH-1 wasn't bashing the Jews for watching too much television, he was raising up judges for the masses to make jokes about on all the late-night talk shows. His first two judges were men, named Ehud and Shangar. Then he decided to pick a woman named Deborah for the job. Why? Because she didn't have a dumb name like Ehud or Shangar. She was hostess of the Lappidoth and Deborah Show, which aired daily on the Family Channel. When JHVH-1 was on an upswing, he told Deborah to lead an offensive against Jabin, the Canaanite king who had enslaved the Jews, and against Sisera, Jabin's army commander. So Debby sent for Barak, the son of Abinoam. Who is Abinoam? HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW? Debby tells Barak to get about ten thousand of his closest friends to take on Sisera's forces, telling him that the Lord will provide backup. Barak agrees, but only if Deborah would stay in his tent as a "spiritual advisor". Deborah, following her Connie instinct, agrees, but stipulated that a woman had first dibs on kicking Sisera's ass. Everything went as planned; JHVH sent the Stark Fist of Removal and crushed Sisera's army, who supposedly had the advantage of attacking on chariot. Sisera, fortunately, had a friend named Heber in that part of town, so he ditched his chariot for Heber's place. Heber gets his wife Jael to guard the guest tent for Sisera. But Jael was just itching to make the evening news, and as the author writes in Judges chapter 4, verses 18 through 22.... "Jael went out to meet Sisera and said to him, "Come, my lord, come right in. Don't be afraid." So he entered her tent, and she put a covering over him. "I'm thirsty," he said. "Please give me some water." She opened a skin of milk, gave him a drink, and covered him up. "Stand in the doorway of the tent," he told her. "If someone comes by and asks you, 'Is anyone here?' say 'No.'" But Jael, Heber's wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died. [Duh!] Barak came by in pursuit of Sisera, and Jael went out to meet him. "Come," she said, "I will show you the man you're looking for." So he went in with her, and there lay Sisera with the tent peg through his temple--dead." Not only did Jael make the tabloids, but the Jews got to Jabin, Sisera's boss, and Debby the TV evangelist wrote a song about it. Judges 5 verses 24-27... "Most blessed of women be Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite, most blessed of tent-dwelling women. He asked for water, and she gave him milk; in a bowl fit for nobles she brought him curdled milk. Her hand reached for the tent peg, her right hand for the workman's hammer. She struck Sisera, she crushed his head, she shattered and pierced his temple. At her feet he sank, he fell; there he lay. At her feet he sank, he fell; where he sank, there he fell--dead." These are the kinds of family values that we need to get back to as a nation! We need to get back to the Bible, say no to drugs and Murphy Brown, and say yes to Jael and her tentpegs!!! Yabba dabbabdulibobowow yobobafropadoobie!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOWWWOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! PRAISE BOB!!! ------------------ Send comments/response/flames/hairballs/whatever to: the mighty p r u n e m a n , djd0873@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (InterNet) From the mighty p r u n e m a n, Rochester Institute of Technology, Rochester, NY. The views expressed by the writer do not necessarily represent the views of the university or its students. Horf horf ziggibobametasuclef thorazinoweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww.