SUBSONICK ULTRA-GUT BLOWOUT
                     the unofficial radio ministry of the
                  Rochester Coalition of SubGenius Clenches
                                     and
                                  89.7 WITR
                              grudgingly present
                    the Mighty Reverend  p r u n e   m a n
                          in a rant aired 5/27/92...
                                      
Dear listeners, it never ceases to amaze me the incredible lengths to which
your friend and mine, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, will go to provide us with all the luck
we need. Well, I correct myself:  that is, the incredible lengths he doesn't
have to go because, well HELL! "Bob" wouldn't do it if he had to try, now would
he?  Case in point:  Just yesterday I was here at the station putting this rant
together,  trying to decide whether or not to trek out to Mickey D's for a bite
to eat, when the voice of "Bob" spoke to me.  He said, "Thhay why donnthcha go
to Michkey D's ta get spsonhthig t eet?"  He had had quite a bit to drink that
day, and I wasn't about to piss "Bob" off when he was drunk.  So I went, for
what was probably the two-hundredth time this month.  And again "Bob" spoke to
me.  Granted, he had to repeat himself three times before I finally understood
what the hell he was saying, but I got the general impression that he was
asking me if I had tried the fettucine alfredo.  So I ordered the fettucine,
and sat down to eat.  Just then, a news photographer wearing a blue USA Today
windbreaker shows up at the store with a camera and announces that he's doing a
story on the new McDonalds menu, a story that indeed represents the fine,
exquisite journalistic sense that we've all grown to expect from such a
wondrous news publication as theirs.  He introduces himself and hands me a
fifty thousand dollar bill in exchange for taking my picture while I dined on
Fettucine Alfredo Cheˇz McDonald.    Fifty thousand for eating at McDonalds!
 
And, believe me, that fifty grand came in quite handy.  Not only did I pay off
next year's tuition of college for myself, but I paid off "Bob"'s bar tab as
well.   The funny part is that "Bob" wasn't telling me to order the fettucine
alfredo, he was describing his sexual obsession with the Keebler elves to me. 
Yes, truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

Let me not forget to mention that all this can be yours when you finally get
off your butt and send your twenty dollars to "Bob" at Box 140306, Dallas,
Texas 75214.  And don't forget to mention me, the Mighty Reverend Prune Man,
and the Rochester Hour of Slack show when you do.  What's more is that once you
do, you no longer have to live in fear of obliteration by the horridly stark
fist of removal.  In fact, the stark fist for our male listeners is no longer
one of removal, but comes to serve, well, other vital male-oriented purposes,
especially with all the time you'll be spending in your excremeditation
chamber.  But I will not continue to elaborate, for that is all top secret
church information, and we also desire to embrace those family values that Dan
Quayle laments as being sadly absent from our society.  Which is why I chose to
open the Bible as part of this evening's entertainment.

Let us turn in our Bibles to Judges 4.  Lest I be accused of overly favoring
the menfolk in this evening's rant, the subjects for tonight are two women: 
Deborah, who was a professional prophetess, and Jael, an ancient Hebrew
housewife.
  
Before we jump right into the tale of Deborah and Jael, let's review the
background of the book of Judges.  After Moses had led the Jews into their
homeland, they occupied themselves in various ways, mainly by killing and
enslaving people from other cultures whenever Ren and Stimpy wasn't on TV.  You
see, in ancient Israel, believe it or not, the show aired daily.  It was based
on a book of Hebrew scripture ruled as apocryphal by the early Christian church
counsels called "The Whistling of the Lower Cheeks" , and we do thank the
Reverend John K. for translating the ancient Hebrew texts into our vernacular.
  
Anyway, in Judges, JHVH-1 was going through a personal crisis at the time,
exhibiting signs of manic-depression after Joshua, the successor to Moses, had
died of a drug overdose while on the toilet.  Whenever JHVH-1 wasn't bashing
the Jews for watching too much television, he was raising up judges for the
masses to make jokes about on all the late-night talk shows.  His first two
judges were men, named Ehud and Shangar.  Then he decided to pick a woman named
Deborah for the job.  Why?  Because she didn't have a dumb name like Ehud or
Shangar.  She was hostess of the Lappidoth and Deborah Show, which aired daily
on the Family Channel.

When JHVH-1 was on an upswing, he told Deborah to lead an offensive against
Jabin, the Canaanite king who had enslaved the Jews, and against Sisera,
Jabin's army commander.  So Debby sent for Barak, the son of Abinoam.  Who is
Abinoam?  HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?

Debby tells Barak to get about ten thousand of his closest friends to take on
Sisera's forces, telling him that the Lord will provide backup.  Barak agrees,
but only if Deborah would stay in his tent as a "spiritual advisor".  Deborah,
following her Connie instinct, agrees, but stipulated that a woman had first
dibs on kicking Sisera's ass.

Everything went as planned;  JHVH sent the Stark Fist of Removal and crushed
Sisera's army, who supposedly had the advantage of attacking on chariot. 
Sisera, fortunately, had a friend named Heber in that part of town, so he
ditched his chariot for Heber's place.  Heber gets his wife Jael to guard the
guest tent for Sisera.  But Jael was just itching to make the evening news, and
as the author writes in Judges chapter 4, verses 18 through 22....

"Jael went out to meet Sisera and said to him, "Come, my lord, come right in. 
Don't be afraid."  So he entered her tent, and she put a covering over him. 
"I'm thirsty," he said.  "Please give me some water."  She opened a skin of
milk, gave him a drink, and covered him up.  "Stand in the doorway of the
tent," he told her.  "If someone comes by and asks you, 'Is anyone here?' say
'No.'"  But Jael, Heber's wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went
quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted.  She drove the peg through
his temple into the ground, and he died.  [Duh!]  Barak came by in pursuit of
Sisera, and Jael went out to meet him.  "Come," she said, "I will show you the
man you're looking for."  So he went in with her, and there lay Sisera with the
tent peg through his temple--dead."

Not only did Jael make the tabloids, but the Jews got to Jabin, Sisera's boss,
and Debby the TV evangelist wrote a song about it.  Judges 5 verses 24-27...  

"Most blessed of women be Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite, most blessed of
tent-dwelling women.  He asked for water, and she gave him milk;  in a bowl fit
for nobles she brought him curdled milk.  Her hand reached for the tent peg,
her right hand for the workman's hammer.  She struck Sisera, she crushed his
head, she shattered and pierced his temple.  At her feet he sank, he fell;
there he lay.  At her feet he sank, he fell; where he sank, there he
fell--dead."

These are the kinds of family values that we need to get back to as a nation! 
We need to get back to the Bible, say no to drugs and Murphy Brown, and say yes
to Jael and her tentpegs!!!  Yabba dabbabdulibobowow yobobafropadoobie!!!!
HOOOOOOOOOOOWWWOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!   PRAISE BOB!!!

                              ------------------

Send comments/response/flames/hairballs/whatever to:
the mighty  p r u n e   m a n , djd0873@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (InterNet)

From the mighty  p r u n e   m a n, Rochester Institute of Technology,
Rochester, NY.  The views expressed by the writer do not necessarily represent
the views of the university or its students.  Horf horf ziggibobametasuclef
thorazinoweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww.