The Second Coming of the Lord

Europe, one thousand years ago: cities being burned, lands destroyed, genocide, brother fighting brother, economic ruin, and widespread fear that the end of the world was at hand. (Not a marked difference from Europe today, but that's a different story). And all this because of some ridiculous Biblical belief that the Millenium would bring Armageddon, Ragnarok, brimstone and judgement and assorted unpleasant things. Yes, boys and girls, the return of the Big J.C. Himself. It was written that the Lord would "come like a thief in the night, and it was written ... oh never mind; if you're really interested, go and rent The Seventh Seal (it's not half as dry as the Bible version). Well, it's not for me to say whether we've progressed at all since then, but we are at least a little bit more skeptical as we approach this fin de siecle . All this is just prelude to the meat of this matter, namely our extrapolation on how Jesus would behave were he inclined to return these days. Which brings us to the list of ...

Top 10 Things I would Do If I Were the Messiah

1. Product Endorsements. "Because I'm not just the President of the Hair Club for Men ... I'm the Messiah! "
2. Justify the existence of Christian rock bands. Give them talent.
3. A career in music. "The Jimi Christ Experience": Led Zep's Stairway to Heaven, Aerosmith's Angel, Rolling Stones' Sympathy for the Devil, you get the idea.
4. Television Programs: To hell with televangelists; spread the word of God via a Christian cajun cooking show.
   
   Sample Recipe: "Body of Christ" cereal:
   2 parts flour
   1 part (holy) water
   pinch of salt
   No need to add yeast; rises by itself after four days.
   Serving Size: one multitude.
   
   
5. International Sex Symbol. Last time we heard tell of the Man with the Pierced Palms, he was sporting long hair and a goattee. He predated grunge by two thousand years. What's to keep him from being voted People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 1994?
6. And he can finally do that centerfold with the cross for Playgirl ... or the twelve month calendar
7. The Coming of the Lord, sponsored by Trojan condoms: The Immaculate Contra-Ception.
8. The birth of Christ, Comedian. Finally, what we've all been waiting to see: Jesus onstage, telling jokes about Sam Kinison.
9. Put the Gonzo staff writers in charge of revising the Bible. With an expanded, illustrated, in-depth version of the "begat" chapter.
10. Revise the Jesuit code ('Poverty, Chastity, and Obedience' for any of you students, or Jesuits for that matter, who may have forgotten). Substitute Sobriety for Chastity and see how long it takes the administration to shut down the Tombs (local bar) and start selling condoms on campus.